Guest Smooches!!

Another guest post to the *smooches* blog!  Please to enjoy JCE's recent FB status:

Dear Girl at Work in Stilettos at 8:00 a.m.:

1. If you cannot walk in heels, you should not wear them until you have practiced enough that you can.
2. This is your place of employment, not a bar.
3. It is 8:00 a.m. Who do you think you are going to impress by wearing those shoes? The 80 year old men who are the only ones up and shopping this early?
4. Just watching you shuffle instead of walking makes me want to punch you in the throat just for being an idiot!

Smooches,

JCE

Dear Pushy Salesmen:

I'm so sorry if I wasn't polite to you at the end of our for-lack-of-a-better-word conversation.  You see, my 18 month old son is sick, and I'd just gotten him to take a nap. Your aggressive pounding on my door not only almost woke him up and made me jump out of my skin, but also frightened my tiny daughter who was actually eating for once in her damn life.


Yes, I'm aware that you can regulate the price per therm on my gas bill, but I've not done enough research to see if 1) it's worth it or 2) you're a scam.  But your being relentless about my making a decision while you're standing on my front porch is gonna piss me off...

Oh, also, have you met MY DOGS?

Well trained cuteness.

Why, yes, they are "large canines."  And I totally did just say, "They won't bite you unless I tell them to."

Forgive me if I'm impolite...but if you stay on my porch any longer, I'm going to let them investigate you.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Mariah Carey:

Keep you infantile skank ass out of my holiday music. I don't give a shit what or who you want for Christmas.

We all know you're getting a glittery butterfly purse.

*smooches* Jenn

No One Knows What My Degree Will Mean

So, while I was seeing the neurologist today, he was taking my history. I told him I was working on my Ph.D. This exchange followed:

Him: So, what are you getting your Ph.D in?
Me: Composition and Rhetoric
Him: *blankstare*
Me: Writing.
Him: OH! You want to be a writer?
Me: No...
Him: You want to be a reporter?
Me: NO. I study how writing and technology work together.
Him: *blankstare*

Dear Orange Marmalade:

Remember that time that I said I loved you?

Well, it seems that I love you more and more each day.

How, how?, have I lived so long without you?!?

*smooches* Jenn

Birds

BIRDS. All the birds.

Sarah and I were driving home from the ICEA conference and stopped for Chinese today. We were both pretty slap happy. Then we saw all these birds.

Then this conversation happened as we sat in the car watching all the birds:

Me: *deadpan* I just hate birds so much.

Sarah: (this is paraphrasing as I was too busy watching the birds and hating them to really know what she said) Holy FUCK! That's a lot of birds! 

Me: *deadpan* I just hate birds so much.

Sarah: It's like the sky is pooping out birds!

At that point, we realized we sounded like a movie, and in the fashion of people who stayed up too late preparing for a conference and beginning to come down off the high of conference presentation, we cackled like crazy people.

GUEST SMOOCHES!

Today, I would like to provide you with a guest post to the *smooches* blog.  Please give a grand welcome to JCE's recent FB status:

Dear student in the skin tight white pants,

Labor day was four weeks ago. I can see your underwear, or lack there of because your pants are so tight. The 80s ended two decades ago. You're lucky I can practice restraint.

*smooches* JCE

Dear Birthday Cake and Blue Bell Ice Cream:

QUIT TAUNTING ME! I deny you once. I deny you twice! I DENY YOU THREE TIMES!  

Why must you be so delicious and so close to my recliner?!

I hate you. If you had a neck I'd punch it. Where's my spoon?

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Sons of Anarchy:

As I watch your AWESOME show, I realize more and more that I'm quite fit to be an old lady. These are things that Gemma has done/said that I get:

From coldangrybed.com

1. "God wants me to be a fierce mother. That's my path."
2. She just wants to have a nice, sit down family dinner.
3. She'll hit a bitch IN THE FACE with a SKATEBOARD for sleeping with her man.
4. After going to jail for said assault, she will SCREAM at her husband in the precinct for shaming her.
5. Clay, her husband, refers to her as "my queen." *side note* I've given Sean permission to do the same.

I'm only nearing the end of season 2...but I feel ya, SoA.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear GeekSquad:

Your first strike was not calling me when the backup that I paid for needed additional approval, meaning that my laptop was held hostage longer than necessary.

Your second strike was getting my computer back from GeekSquad City and not calling me to let me know my computer was ready.

Your third strike is not following protocol and returning my laptop without booting it up, and thus returning it to me without an effing OS.

Seriously, I'm so mad I could punch babies...or GeekSquad employees. Wait, yeah, GeekSquad employees, I think I may have to punch you in the throat so hard you'll talk like a fast food drive thru box from an 80s movie for the rest of your miserable lives.

*smooches* Jenn

PS: Supereffingsuckit!

Dear An American Tail:

It's amazing that after all these years, you can still choke me up. I choose to ignore your horrible stereotypes and instead sob like a little girl.

Somewhere out there, indeed.

*actualsmooches*  Jenn

Dear The Blind Side:

Stop making me cry like a hormonal beyotch.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Spider Who Lived in My Basement:

That's right. I effing killed you.  I know you think that you and your 10,000 friends really enjoy living in my basement. I know it's dark and offers many places for you all to live. But I SWEAR TO EFFING GOD, I will kill every freaking last one of you. 

I won't hunt you down...but if you're dumb enough to stand in front of me, I'll have Sean give me a flip flop and I'll BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD.

And I'll leave your nasty carcass out so your stupid effing spider friends will KNOW and FEAR me.

*smooches motherfucker*  Jenn

Dear Computers and Writing:

I'm into you.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Chili Lime Popcorn Seasoning:

One day, soon, I'll have to tell Sean about our love for one another.

I'm certain he'll understand.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Co-Ed in the Womens' Bathroom at the Campus Bar:

Why, yes, this is a Wonder Woman shirt I'm wearing. It appears that you've had enough to drink to enable some audible commentary on strangers' fashion choices while waiting in line to pee.  Guess what?!  So have I.

First, while I recognize that it's spring and May, it's also 40 degrees outside. Midriffs aren't necessary. You know who doesn't wear midriff shirts? Me...because I shouldn't.  You know who else shouldn't?  You...because it draws drunken frat boys to you.  Oh, that's what you want?  Alright then, enjoy the joyless sex and lingering "gift" he gives you.

Second, if you're going to wear three pounds of make up and reapply it in the festering bathroom, at least be kind enough to not draw weird Lady Gaga-like cat eyes. It makes you look desperate and draws drunken frat boys. Oh right, nevermind.

Bottom line is this: the last time I was in this bar, you weren't enrolled in a formal educational system because you were too busy focusing on figuring out how to best potty in the big girl potty.  I have had just enough Killians to use my considerable wit to make you cry in a corner. Do not make me cut you emotionally while wearing my awesome Wonder Woman T-shirt.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Neighbor with the Jack Russells:

Just because you made the choice to own two effin' yap yap dogs and not train them to obey doesn't mean that you get to take a break from their effin' barking by shoving them outside to wake the neighborhood.  Seriously, I'm *this close* to letting Boomer and Sadie EAT YOUR DOGS.

Also, if you continue to leave them out at the buttcrack of dawn beyond the normal puppy pee time, I will start letting my GIANT DOGS out at 2am so that they, too, can start the Midnight Bark. 

*smooches* Jenn

PS--SUCK IT!

Dear Birther Jackholes:

Hawaii is an effin' STATE...as in one of those UNITED with AMERICA.

*smooches* Jenn

Dear Lady in the Express Lane at Little Scotts:

Seriously?! Seriously. You decide to get into the 15 items or less lane at the grocery store during rush hour (4-6pm) and conduct 3 separate transactions--TWO of which are WIC transactions?!  Ok. Here's the thing, I have nothing against WIC. I think it's great and it fed me as a kid. But it's a paperwork mess. I would be less likely to KILL YOU WITH MY FIERY EYES if you'd at least have looked back at the rest of us in line with our fewer than 15 SINGLE EFFING TRANSACTIONS and given an obligatory "sorry" or smile begging forgiveness. Instead you stand there, texting, and being smug. You're lucky you paid for your THIRD EFFING TRANSACTION with cash or I'd have combusted your head.  See you next Tuesday. *smooches* Jenn PS-SUCK IT. SUCK IT. SUCK IT. (Once for each transaction).

And We Will Call Him Floyd!

So, Suzy and I had lunch today, and we named the Giant SparklePony.

He, Gertrude, and my Cstheday booklet have taken a position of honor in my office--right above my 2001 Weekly World News article that enumerates why Britney Spears is a space alien.   Maybe someday when I have free time, I'll transcribe it for you.  It's written by a real UFOlogist.

Really though, Floyd awaits the framed picture of Andrea Lunsford to complete the, well there really isn't another word for it now is there?, shrine.

Dear Instructor/Professor who Put Your Student in a Desk in the Hallway:

Really?! You're going to make a student take a quiz/test in the busy and loud hallway of the university?  This is not middle school--people in the university are allowed to roam the halls and make as much noise as they want.  How in the world does this respect the learning or testing process of your student? WTH.

*smooches and eyerolls*

Jenn

Dear Person from Administrative Office that Shall Not Be Named:

Just because someone contacted you to do something that may or may not be within your job description, don't think you can pass the buck to me. I eat sentences with implied commands for breakfast.  Take a bite of my reply that uses an explicit command.  While you're at it, bite me.

*smooches*

Jenn

Reflecting on Dobrin and Dayton-Wood

Ok, so I've addressed the social, networking fun I had at CCCCs this year.  But more purposefully (I suppose that adverb is arguable), I attended two sessions that either planted some seeds or further fertilized some seeds planted by my studies at Ball State.  (Brian McNely, Jackie Grutch-McKinney, and Linda Hanson, I'm looking at you.) Also, I kinda regret the seed metaphor after Christina Haas' question in McNely's session.

Sid Dobrin “A Future of Writing Studies”

A Session Featured Speaker 

Dobrin cites Gregory Colomb that we are not service but a franchise responsible for teaching the nation to write. However, if we focus only on the rhetoric of privilege (read: academic essays), we're doing a disservice to the field. 

I can't say how many times I've had this argument with peers. The service/academic essay thread is so ingrained in the minds of some faculty, I fear the only way to force them to reconsider their pre-existing, current traditional view of our field is for their employment to be directly connected to their ability to adapt.  I recognize this is a harsh statement, and I know that the staffing and hiring complexities that affect a WPA are challenging. But what harm comes to our discipline when, for example, instructors who perpetuate this thread retain employment to meet an administrative implied demand to offer more sections of FYC?  It's messy. I know.  Dobrin is really making me think.

Dobrin also make the distinction that writing studies is separate from composition studies. Writing studies shifts the focus from subject/product (academic work) to writing/activity (intellectual work).  

I think one of the biggest thing I've learned in my Ph.D. studies is that studying writing and studying composition is not synonymous. So often it seems WPA work centers on FYC. But a writing program is more than FYC. McNely keeps emphasizing the importance of a vertical curricula--and I can see how a larger writing program can produce English graduates who can understand the seeming tension that exists between writing and composition studies. Might these even be concentrations that could exist within a writing program?  I'm not sure...it seems our love for naming and differentiating areas of specialty is important.  Otherwise, why would I have  been corrected by a 3rd Ph.D. student for saying I was a doctoral student in composition in rhetoric? ("It's rhetoric and composition," I was told.) Writing, rhetoric, composition, literature, linguistics, folklore and so on. English is big.

Amy Dayton-Wood, “Learning from Other Disciplines: What the Existing Research on Student Opinion Surveys Can Teach Us” 

from D.39: "What’s Our Relation . . . to the Mean and the Median? The Contested Place of Student Course Evaluation" 

Dayton-Wood says so many decisions (hiring, promotion, funding) are affected by student evaluations, yet it's not addressed much by composition researchers. 

Last year fewer than 20 percent of my online students completed course evaluations.  Of course, I was able to address this in the reflection of my annual review and my department is understanding; however, moving up the food chain, I become less the awesome faculty member I know myself to be and more the data that "represents" me.

Our current political environment tasks us to look more closely at student evaluations and their validity. We must look to multiple methods of feedback for assessment and consider the design of the evaluations through the lens of the WPA outcomes statement.

It was this idea of reconsidering course evaluation design that made me think, "Well, of course, how have I not articulated this before?!"  Multiple methods of assessment makes sense; redesigning the evaluations to reflect the outcomes statements is a *must*.  It also makes me want to think about reviewing the material from Committee on Best Practices for Online Writing Instruction to see what they have to say about online course evaluation and reconsidering our questions for online courses.  Yeah, I have a lot of work ahead of me...

The CCCC 2011 Adventures of Gertrude

I played CtheDay this year at CCCC 2011; this has been, by far, the most fun I've ever had at Cs.


I'm hypercompetitive. If you've met me, you know. If you were a part of my life during the 2 year span that I played Settlers of Catan, you really know this.  

Side note: we were so into Catan that 1) we created our own rules (numbers were placed face down and settlement placement occurred before numbers flipped, we changed the meanings of cards that sucked, we played Seafarers, Cities, and Settlers all at once--ALWAYS), 2) we had to replace our set, and 3) regular Catan no longer holds meaning for us.

I've gone to five previous Cs as an adjunct, and normally when I went, I attended sessions, learned a lot, hung out with others from my school who came along.  This year, in my second year of doctoral studies at Ball State, I made the decision to network more.  I wasn't too sure how I was going to do it until I saw mention of CstheDay on Twitter. PERFECT. KISMET. GEEENIUS.


Wednesday Night


The CstheDay Twitter feed reminded me that Norton's free booze party was going on as I was unpacking, so I grabbed my girlfriend and ran down.  While in line I spoke to Kenny, from Arizona State.  He didn't have his name tag, so I don't know his last name, and I never saw him again (not for lack of looking--he was nice). But I was proud of my talking to new people. 


I found a few beers and we met Stephen Lind, a 2nd year graduate student at Clemson University who's working on a rhetorical analysis of religious themes in Peanuts.  How AWESOME is that?!  Stephen introduced himself to us after hearing my girlfriend say, "I don't know anyone in this room."  I never saw him again, but I'm so going to stalk his work because it sounds awesome. 


Attending a free food and booze party was a quest, so I looked around for my stamp, but the CstheDay people had vanished!  I complained about my failure on Twitter and was promptly directed to Pulse.  While at Pulse, I was able to meet Wendi, Jill, Mary, and briefly Doug (though I had no idea Doug was Doug). Everyone was kind and I was excited to continue playing... 


SparklePony: Achieved!

Gertrude (before she was
so dubbed) at Sid
Dobrin's The Future
of Writing Studies session

Jill, Mary, and Cheryl invited me to join them at the Newcomer's Coffee (which I never attended my first Cs and only attended this time for the stamp).  I met more people and introduced myself awkwardly. No one knows that IPFW is Indiana University Purdue University Fort Wayne and it doesn't fit on the badge; I feel as IPFW paid for me to go to Cs (as opposed to Ball State, nothing against BSU, I have professional development monies to use from IPFW) my introduction loyalty lies there first. 




The allure of the SparklePony was taunting me. I had to immediately get one. The clearest and easiest way to achieve the SparklePony was to buy Atlanta swag. I had spent Wednesday evening walking around Hotlanta with friends looking for a souvenir shop: FAIL. I knew there was a gift shop in the hotel, but I didn't have time to get to it before the opening session. I contained my urge to ditch and shop and went to what was probably the best opening session I've heard. Between the Chair's address and Feature Session A, I sneaked down to the gift shop. I finally found a sparkly panda shirt for Ainsley and a Goodnight Atlanta book for Xander. 


I ran to get my SparklePony (ok, that's hyperbole, I don't run.). VICTORY!! SparklePony and I then headed over to Sid Dobrin's Feature Speaker session. Awesome.


Gertrude Tries to Meet Cindy EFFING Selfe


After Sid Dobrin, I happened by the Digital Archives of Literacy Narratives booth and who do I see? Cindy Selfe?! So I approach her and introduce myself...she already recognizes Gertrude (most likely via Jill).  It is at this point that my phone decides to die (I killed it tweeting Sid Dobrin's session. In my best Shatner, "DOBRIIIIIIN!!!" Actually, I should curse PalmPre for crap batteries, but Dobrin's name Kahns better.  Yeah, I just made "KAAAAHHHNNNN!" a verb. What?).  This is what makes Cindy Selfe awesome: she says, "It's ok! You can come back!"  I'm distraught.  She then HUGS ME!  I later learned that Cindy hugs--it's her thing. But I don't care. I love her brain, I love her smile, and I love her hugs.  

Sidenote: I never saw Cindy again. I am considering bringing Gertrude to future Cs just to get my picture. It may be a lifelong Cs quest.

Gertrude Meets Andrea EFFING Lunsford

Gertrude's finest moment

So, after charging my phone post-Selfe debachle, I returned down to the convention. I was getting off the elevators and there, all by her lonesome, was Andrea Lunsford.  This was it: I had my SparkPony, my camera was charged, and I was going to make this happen.  


I introduced myself, explained CstheDay, and snapped my photo.  Andrea (I actually just had a moment of pause here--I had no qualms writing about Cynthia Selfe as Cindy, but I paused as to whether I should refer to Andrea Lunsford as Andrea.  Interesting.) was exceptionally gracious.  She loved it. She asked what the grand prize was...I actually paused.  I wasn't sure. I was mostly playing this game as a way to network and have fun. I totally couldn't remember the prize (more on this later).


Gertrude Goes to Turner Field

Suzy is unclear of
Gertrude's intentions

Getting some love
from Karol

The Bedford Party was at Turner Field this year. Food was fail. I understand they were going for a theme, but every year Bedford's about doing it big. Hot dogs, nachos, and breaded fried everything is not "doing it big." Gertrude was less than impressed.


She did, however, enjoy hanging out in the bleachers. I didn't really do too much networking at Bedford.  Sure, I had an awesome talk with Beth Keller from MSU, but I knew her from IPFW and FB so it doesn't really count.  She was, however, impressed by Gertrude.


I should note it was Suzy Rumsey who named Gertrude.  She coveted Gertrude a lot and wished she'd had time to play.

Who is this handsome guy?

Gertrude Goes to the Fountainhead Party


I finally got to meet Scott, Jan, and Cynthia at the Fountainhead Party.  I also became a full professor there too!  I was given a seat at the table and really started to feel awesome about playing the game. I got to talk to Scott about his work in Athens; Jan, Cynthia, and Jill about WoW; and Mary about her studies. I met Guiseppe Getto from MSU and talked about the social dynamics of being on a Cs panel. 


Gertrude didn't really pay attention to my exciting conversations. She became obsessed with the white SparklePony she met by the lemon/lime centerpiece.

 Gertrude at the Jam

Karol, Sara, and Tim
with Sara's Pony

I spent a lot of time at the Jam (apparently calling it the Rock N Roll Party dates me) talking to tons of people. I met more people and danced my butt off.  You'll notice that Gertrude didn't really make much of an appearance at the Jam.  Part of it is I think she was pretty hung over from her Fountainhead experience.


The bigger part, I think, is that I didn't need Gertrude anymore.  Gertrude, and the game, was my gateway into conversation. She was awesome, and I appreciate her work.  I'm going to print and frame the picture of Gertrude and Andrea Lunsford and display it in my office. (I'm not giving her to my 2 year old daughter, Ainsley. As a matter of fact, I had to put her in a bag in my car because if Ainsley even sees Gertrude, I'll lose her forever.)  Maybe I actually will bring Gertrude along to future Cs and get her picture with luminaries.  It could be a fun thing in my office--right next to the Catwoman pictures and the Wonder Woman Barbie.


Grand Prize Winners

So, all of my competitive efforts paid off: I was one of the grand prize winners of Cstheday.  I wasn't the winner. As Max Smart would say, I missed it by that much. But I take solace in the fact that Tim, who earned a few extra points than I did, got started playing because I reminded him about the game and earned many of his stamps with me. We teamed up!


My prize was two-fold.  I will co-author an article with one (or more?) of the game co-founders that will appear in either Kairos, CCCs Online, or Enculturation. I didn't really realize it until 3/4 of the way through the game what an awesome grand prize it is! This is a profoundly awesome grand prize; I've presented a ton, but I have no publications...yet. So, thanks guys, I really enjoyed playing and will equally enjoy writing about it.


My second prize was the SuperSparklePony.  I've started tracking his progress too (he's not been named yet because Suzy hasn't seen him); he's hanging out in my car with Gertrude waiting to go to the office. I'm pretty certain if Ainsley saw him, she'd punch me in the knees to have him.

Going...              Going...            Gone.